The One Who Dreams Of You At Night

Some nights, after a particularly long, busy, maybe even stressful day, it's harder for me to fall asleep. Even after I take two natural pills and some pain killers, I just can't always turn off my brain. But, when that happens, I usually start to think about you.

The way my hand fits perfectly in yours.

The picturesque moment of what our First Kiss will be like.

The feeling of your arms around my waste.

That time we "kissed" with ring pops in our mouths.

All the little moments we've shared together. How precious. I always smile. You would think these memories, and hopes for the future, of pure joy would be enough to help me slip easily into dreamland. You would think.

But, as inevitably as the good thoughts, the bad ones come. Creeping in like shadows in the night. They quickly and quietly replace the happy thoughts with sad ones. "If he loves me, why doesn't he write?" "Maybe it was just me who felt those special moments." and the most dreaded of all, "What if he comes home and he doesn't care about me anymore...?"

And then the tears... And then the lack of sleep.

No wonder I have high blood pressure. I'm in love.

It's funny how a day can start out so well, and change in the blink of an eye. There I was, talking to my best friend and we started talking about marriage. Not to each other, just in general. I should have known to stay away from that subject with him, but it never seemed like a problem before. We could always talk about anything.... Before.

I can't believe he said it but he did. My whole world turned upside-down. I couldn't move. I think for a full minute. It seemed that long, anyway. My fingers were all resting on the proper keys, but had nothing to type. I zoned out. All I could hear was my own heartbeat. Why would he say something like that? I thought I knew him. Not fully, but at least to SOME extent. Has he really changed that much?

My eyes welled up. Who was I talking to? What just happened? My thoughts were racing as fast as my heart. The warm tears slid down my face as I tried to regain focus. From the things he was saying, it hadn't even phazed him.

Fine. Maybe it's just me.

Little Moments

Every so often I have little moments of inspiration. They are hard to explain, but I will tell you this: They give away the future. It could be brought on as easily as something you crave and make yourself for lunch. Or, a song you sing your niece/nephew to bed with. Have you ever had one?

In that moment, time freezes. You realize how comfortable that thing is. Say, for instance, that your little moment told you who you would marry. A normally scary thought for someone who isn't in a relationship at all, and is so unprepared for marriage, suddenly becomes pleasant and comfortable. Let's say this person is someone that you normally dislike a great deal. Well, in this moment, the idea suits you. It feels natural. Normal, if you will.

For this brief moment of revelation you want to run through the streets screaming that you have been foretold the future. You want to share with everyone, your news! But, after the moment is gone, you feel you cannot share it with anyone. For, just like a wish, it may not come true if you share your moment with someone else. That is why it is "personal revelation", is it not?

Black Hole

I have a friend who, ever since his return home from his mission, has slowly been sinking into the depths of despair. Namely, Hell. It's gotten to the point where he mindlessly does the everyday little things meant to save us. I admit, I hit this point too. But, I was fortunate enough to escape it! I'm not out yet, but I'm climbing and I think it has just barely become apparent why I need to be his friend.

I didn't want to be his friend because I don't know him anymore. I have to start from scratch in order to help and it just seems like so much work! I have a lot to deal with as it is. But, maybe that's why Tammy can't be my friend right now either. Maybe Daddy knew that this was going to surface and it was something only I could handle...

Let me start over. Several years ago, this man was loving, caring, a little spacey, but there. He knew what he wanted and he knew how to achieve it. Everything about this boy appealed to me. I was smitten. Totally and completely in love in every sense of the word! He left for his mission. We remained friends.

He came home, and slowly became paranoid and uncertain of everyone around him. I had no idea what was happening, but he began to feel that everyone was out to get him, including me. We fought. We weren't friends for a whole year. Almost exactly!

We had to start over entirely. I wanted his apology to be the last thing to happen between us. Daddy wants differently. Every time I would let it go too long without attempting to make an effort towards being friends Daddy would give me a loving nudge. Fine. I finally broke down and started making real efforts.

Tonight I spent an hour in his car and I realized that I don't like to be with him because he has become what you might call a black hole of a person. Things are so dark and so heavy. It's depressing and draining to be around him. But that's just it! That's exactly why I have to be around him! Not because I'm some sort of awesomely shining light! Because I am close to his level, and he just might listen to me.

We are both too proud and stubborn to listen to someone more spiritual than ourselves. It has to be someone who understands and can help us out of the same pit. Like team work! I finally know. I get it, and I can't wait to start preparations for the new and improved Boy! Why am I excited? Because I know the old Boy is in there somewhere.

At moments during our discussions, I felt scared of him. Partly because of the darkness that surrounds him, and partly because I know what his anger is capable of. But there was a moment... A very brief, but very beautiful moment where he was the old Boy I used to be in love with. I have no idea what he was saying in that moment. All I could think was how in love with him I was and how I just wanted to kiss him all over and hug him for hours! But, the glimpse was fleeting. That moment in and of itself was enough to get me excited about helping him! But, now that I know what I'm working toward, I can't express my excitement!

Wish me luck as I embark upon a strange, and highly dangerous, mission! I can use all your prayers!